"I need more. I need more depth. I need more one on one." These words stayed with me as I left the hospital room. What can we say to a mind clouded by pain - to a focus that is blinded by tribulation, known and unknowable. Surely this is a place I have been before. The details were different but the need was the same. I need more!!
The blessing of trials and afflictions are, even now, awaiting me. Those blessings from the past comfort me. Thirty years ago, I was crying out to God for the same thing. At that time, I might have called it peace, health or a clear mind. My goal was to meet the needs of my world and hold on to my idols. My idols were "good" idols. All I wanted was to meet the needs of my family, the demands of my job and to save my marriage. One night, I was overcome by frustration and anger realizing that I had no clue to the puzzle of my life. I was also inebriated. Obviously, this was a perfect setting for a quiet time with God. Angrily, I picked up my Bible and selected my text by "the let it fall open method." God, who is the I AM, WAS in that moment - and ever shall be.
The complexity and the mystery of God revealed His mastery of the most minute detail. I was given the promise of Jeremiah 29:11 that night. I couldn't miss it because it was underlined. It was my Bible but I had no memory of that verse. When I read it, my body shook and every hair I had stood up. It seemed as if an electric current had just run through me. GOD HAD SPOKEN TO ME!! John Newton has said, "God works powerfully but for the most part gently and gradually." That moment was powerful. The next thirty years has seen God work gradually but also relentlessly. The gently has been hit or miss. I'm sure that if I listened better He would have treated me more gently.
Today my walk with God is still seeking the "..more .. depth .. one on one" of my hospital visit mentioned earlier. Today, I more completely trust God in and for all things. Today, I seek His will because I know my will is usually bad for me. In the future, I pray to seek His will because my desire is more of Him, more depth in Him and more one on one time in His presence. Today, I confidently say that my every need, my every question, my every hope and my every prayer has the same answer; "I AM!" "In Him (I) we live and move and have our being." Acts 17:28 "Jesus!" is the prayer that I breath many times in my day. "Father!" is the prayer He speaks for me every time. "I AM!" is the answer always!! Thank you father for your faithfulness!!